To Be But Blank
by Scorchy-11
Summary: All she wanted was somebody who cared. But she couldn't tell anybody this, no. To show feeling like that would be weakness. But diaries don't care about stuff like that. This is a diary of someone you least expect....
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing you hear me?! **Ahem** on with the story err diary thing.

A/N: Hello everyone! I'm back with a story again, and not a one-shot either. Hope you all enjoy!

Prologue

Dear Diary,

No, that sounds stupid. Like I'm talking to an inanimate object. Which is something I would never do; until now at least. Now, I have no one else to turn to. You're the only one who will not judge me. Of course you could be read but I'm not a Slytherin for nothing. There are so many curse, charms, and hexes protecting this thing that I actually pity the person who tries to read it. I would never admit that out loud though. I'm not supposed to pity.

I have decided to start this…piece of writing so when I'm not around any more people will learn what I was really like. They'll see behind the mask, the fake love for purebloodism, everything. And they'll know I was actually a real person who cared. But until then only you shall know.

As I sit here in the dead of the night scribbling furiously in the common room I think of how people would react if they ever got a hold of this. They'd probably think it a lie, an attention-seeking scheme. Bloody idiots. Anyways the clock has chimed twelve times and I have Transfiguration tomorrow morning with Mcgonagall, who hates me by my association with the snake.

So this will be where we part now. I hope in the future I don't bore you to tears with my blabber about my life.

_ Pansy Parkinson_

A/N: Ack, don't kill me. Yeah it's short but it's a prologue so it can be short. Also don't jus leave for the character whose point of view I'm writing from. This will border on the edge of an AU. It will follow the advents of the books but the characters shall be….can you say incredibly off form their original forms. Also I can always use help in the ideas area so feel free to give me some. Also, no flames, constructive criticism welcome, and review, review, review!


	2. Blue

Disclaimer: I own nothing…still.

Normal type Journal

**Bold type Actual happenings**

Hi again. Transfiguration has once again proved to be terribly easy. In the first five minutes after the old bat stopped talking I had completed the spell and was able to sit back and write. Wonder how long it'll be today until she sees me done and comes and points out something wrong with my work.

You see it's sort of a daily occurrence. I succeed. She sees me succeed. She points out a meaningless and/or not even there mistake. I lose house points and am made to transfigure ten or more things. Tis the circle of life. Don't ask. Some muggle thing I picked up off a few muggleborns.

It's in a movie about some talking lion. I'm still trying to figure out why the muggles knew of a talking lion and were able to make a film about it. I suppose they must be smarter then they look. Argh, there goes my pureblood training talking again. Hey, you try having a concept drilled into your head since the day you were born and then never letting it seep through every once and a while.

Mcgonagall's glaring at me again. Or trying to anyway. Gryffindors cannot glare, sneer, smirk, and be sarcastic, etc. successfully. It's an unwritten rule that they unknowingly abide to. It's actually quite funny watching them try. I'd laugh but then what type of Slytherin would I be? A shunned one.

I think she's trying to tell me that I better stop writing and get working or else. Oooo or else! No! I'm terrified. _Snort_ Uh-huh. And Look Malfoy's wearing red and gold today. Sweet Merlin that woman is hopeless. A bloody hypocrite too. She rants about how Professor Snape favours his own house and well he does but it's not like she doesn't! Just because I'm a Slytherin she picks on me. Old bat.

Oh look. She's getting up and walking this way. What horrid punishment shall I undergo today? Maybe I'll have to transfigure something for the class. Ooo hard. Wait, she's seen the journal. What if she tries to read it? No, not even she is that stupid. Gryffindor idiocy goes a long way but… oh Merlin apparently she is the stupid. No, no, no. Back away. Just turn around. Ah, sh-.

**"May I see what you are writing Miss Parkinson?" Professor Mcgonagall asked with a false sweet voice. 'No, you bloody well may not,' Pansy thought irritably before saying, "Professor, I'm sorry. I'll put it away just.." Professor Mcgonagall caught her off, all sweetness in her voice gone, "Give me the book Miss Parkinson."**

**Pansy mentally winced as she nodded and handed over the book. Then inconspicuously she began to gather all her belongings into her bag and shrugged it on. She then braced herself to snatch the journal and run like hell as soon as Mcgonagall opened the book.**

_I was going to end it here but that would have been too short again. So take this time to enjoy the cliff hanger-y goodness. _

**The second Professor Mcgonagall cracked open the tome she was greeted by a shrill cry of "Intruder!" She dropped the book and Pansy caught it and began to sprint away from the now bright blue, shrunken, deaf, blind, and unable to talk Professor Mcgonagall.**

**She didn't stop running until she reached the safety of the Slytherin common room.**

Well that was interesting. Wish I could have stuck around to appreciate my work but hey, Transfiguration is with the Gryffindors who have a streak for telling on all Slytherins even for the smallest of things. Safe here though. Until the entire tale winds it's way to Professor Snape's ears. Then I'll get a soft reprimanding and be told not to do it again while he smirks at my stunt.

He's quite predictable but there's this feeling I get when he's around. Like he's hiding something. If he is he's doing a pretty good job of it though I do have one guess. I think he's a death eater. That's why he's so bent against Harry Potter and them and so kind to the Slytherins. It'd make perfect sense.

But what am I supposed to do about. Walk up to him and say, "Morning Professor. Sorry to bother you but I was just wondering if you were a death eater." Yeah. Think of the millions of interesting things that could sprout out of that. Very few of them leave me completely intact.

And what if he was? I don't think I'd be able to look at him the same. I mean, Merlin, a death eater! Loyal to V-v-ol…You-know-who. How cruel and heartless do you get? But I surprised you there. Nope, I'm not one of the people here who are looking forward to being initiated. I'm actually dreading it quite fiercely.

Just before school my parents and I got a letter that read:

_On the 12th day of the 12th month at the 12th hour 12 shall be welcomed into my ranks. Be there._

Then the letter went up in flames. My parents were so proud but horribly stiff and lacking… a lot. I pretended to be ecstatic. After all, I suppose Dumbledore could use a few good spies in his order of whatever it is. I have to go and speak with him about this but that can wait until the whole Mcgonagall incident blows over. I think he's quite fond of her. But_ that_ is none of my business and I am grateful that it isn't. I really just don't want to know.

It appears that lunch is now ending. Time for potions, again, with the Gryffindors. Oh joy.

_Pansy Parkinson _

A/N: Another chapter. Hey, they're getting longer. I'm just getting back into the swing of things you know? Didn't you just love the sweet dash of ignorance? I found it quite amusing to write. Well, you know the drill: Review or else! Reader: Or else what? Me: You'll just have to wait and see. Smirks Oh yes and thanks to Moonchesse, my lone reviewer. 'Spose I'll dedicate the chapter to you as well. ;)


	3. Ah

Disclaimer: Don't own.

Potions just finished. It was wonderfully interesting and oh-so predictable. With nothing else to do but a long essay on the uses of some potion ingredient that even Merlin couldn't pronounce to do I think I'll go through the lesson.

So anyway, I walk in and Draco saunters over to me. Arrogant pig-headed jerk he is he asks me to be his partner. Or rather he tells me we're going to be partners. I then pretend to be overjoyed. Smile sweetly. Sit down and do whatever he says. Draco actually sucks at potions. He does nothing except read the text to me. But I can't complain. Who in their right minds would complain to Draco Malfoy? My parents would have a field day with me.

Moving on, after putting the instructions on the board Professor Snape asks me to stay after class. Oh, that's surprising, yep, really surprising. Sigh. Then as I'm trying to concentrate on my work and do a two-person potion by myself the King of Annoyance begins to attempt to sweet talk me. "Wonderful job in Transfiguration, love," he says.

Mentally, 'Oh, why thank you so much. Go jump off some cliff now please.'

Then I say, "Thank you Draco. You're too kind."

"Ah, think nothing of it," he says. I glance over and he looks triumphant. What? Are you just shocked that with how big your head is you can keep yourself form falling over? Arse.

So, amazingly I finish the potion and it seems to have turned out properly. I bottle and label it and wait for class to finish. La, la, la, come on you stupid class finish! Hurry, he's preparing to talk again! "And that is all for today. Put your potions on my desk. I'll look at the pathetic results later. Class dismissed. Get out of my sight!" Professor Snape says and I sigh with relief. Thank Merlin!

I stay behind as everyone files out. "Ah, Miss Parkinson," Snape starts.

'What is with all these pure-blood fanatics and saying 'Ah? I mean every second sentence has some form of the expression in it! Just watch.' "Yes, Professor?" "I have heard of your little hmm, stunt, earlier today. I would appreciate it if you could refrain from those actions, as they are hard to clean up. Ah yes, and Professor Mcgonagall and the other teachers have not yet found the reverse spell. If you could enlighten us?" 'Wow, three times in five sentences. How do they do it?' "It'll wear out by 5 tonight, sir," I reply. He smirks, properly mind you, and nods. I take this as my sign to leave and do so.

Now I'm sitting in the ever so exciting History of Magic class, which I use for a type of study hall. I can't benefit from these classes so I mine as well get work done, or, avoid getting work done as I am doing today. And, in the time it took of me to retell my last lesson it is time for supper, a.k.a. the lesson is over.

I wonder if Mcgonagall will be there. I could use a laugh, for by now the curses will have worn off and she will be trying to glare at me. Fun, fun.

**Pansy Parkinson walked out of History of Magic and straight down to the Great Hall. She sat down at Slytherin Table and glanced towards the Head Table. Sure enough Mcgonagall was attempting to glare. Pansy defiantly smiled sweetly and then proceeded to finish her supper as fast as humanly possible. Once, succeeding she got up and went to Slytherin Common Room.**

Well, that was interesting. He glare was worse then normal. Pity, just when I thought she was improving snort. Kidding, kidding. I ate really quickly again. Which A) makes me feel like throwing up and B) means I don't have to put up with Mr. High and Mighty. You have to weigh your options. Which is worse? Feeling sick or High and Mighty. Well, rather obvious choice there.

Christmas Break is approaching quickly and actually I'm rather frightened. I still have to talk to Dumbledore but I don't know what to say. And will he believe me? What'll keep him from just throwing me into Azkaban? Not that I would blame him but the prospect of Azkaban is a rather horrifying one. I'm also planning on telling him of my suspicions about Professor Snape.

That'll be hard. I mean, I'm basically insulting his judgement there. I'm basically telling him the person he hired to teach, the person he trusts, is a mad, killer, Death Eater. He doesn't seem like the person to be rash or impulsive but this is a fairly big deal. The What If's are killing me. They've always been one of my worst enemies.

What if I go to Azkaban? What if he orders I'm Kissed? What if he understands but I fail? What if I'm killed? What if? What if? What if? Damn, What If's.

So, yeah, I'm scared shitless here. But I can't let anyone but you know that. They wouldn't understand. No one does.

_Pansy Parkinson_

Pansy shut her diary with a sigh. She blew out the candle she was writing by and sat silently in the Common Room. She watched from the shadows and safety of the dark as the other Slytherins filed in and straight up the stairs. Every Slytherin always went straight to the dorms after supper. Well, almost every Slytherin.

**Once Pansy was sure she was alone and no one else would be coming she let a few silent tears slide down her face. Eventually she got up and wiped her face dry. She took her things and went up to her dorm where she would spend another restless night. **

A/n: Hi everyone. Or hi Mooncheese! My only reviewer again, sigh. Well, I would be flattered if you advertised on your profile for me.  I'm glad your enjoying the story so much. Happy Holidays everyone too! Just in case I don't update till after them. I'm not sure if I will or not. But anyway, you know the drill. R/R


	4. Lemondrop

_Disclaimer: Don't own._

**Bold – Actual happenings**

Diary writing

!1!1!1!1!

Well, its a little past midnight now. Today is Halloween. Or it was till a few minutes ago anyway. Now it's the first of November but that matters little. You would not believe what happened earlier today if you actually had opinions. _scoff_ Ha. Look at me writing on this paper like it is something human. I must be going soft.

Back to the matter at hand.

So as you've probably put together it's not much longer till Christmas Break. Not much longer till I am supposed to be initiated into Voldemort's little following of Death Eaters. So I finally worked up enough courage today (errr, yesterday) to talk to Dumbledore. It was… interesting. You can never go wrong with the word interesting because it means so many things. So yes, it was interesting. I'll write out everything that happened.

At first I wasn't even planning on talking with him but then Voldie decided to put on a little show in the Great Hall during the feast. He had a bunch of owls that were black as soot fly into the great howler to deliver a howler to Dumbledore. I mean honestly. Voldie's such a show off. Did he really need a whole flock of owls to deliver a single howler? I swear, if I planned to still join that would have been a right embarrassment.

Anyhow they all left as soon as the howler was delivered and the Great Hall got absolutely silent. I don't mean like a little quieter. I mean silent as in even the crickets shut up. Then Dumbledore picked up the howler and opened it as if it were just any other letter.

_**Beware Dumbledore! More are destined to join my ranks soon. You shall be over powered. And we shall show no mercy. We will kill you and all the mudbloods and mudblood lovers! 11, 11, 11, 11, 11…**_

After this I glanced around Slytherin table and everyone there just wanted to hide their faces in shame. I mean honestly that was pathetic. Even the ruddy Hufflepuffs were trying not to snigger at the stupid, sad, excuse for a threat. Then Dumbledore smiled and said to the entire hall, "Well, I do hope that any of you planning to join Tom will rethink your choice. And if I can't not sway your opinion I hope that you," here he looked back over the howler, "ah, yes, decide to show mercy and not kill us all. That is all. Off to your rooms now."

That was it, I decided. I would tell him tonight. I'll go wait by his office now. Before I could change my mind I got up and walked to the stone gargoyle and stood patiently waiting for the headmaster to arrive. Of course, the entire time I was having an extravagant row with myself in my mind.

'Leave! Get away now!'

'I will not. This has to be done.'

'No! No, it doesn't. Think about it. He'll never trust you.'

'Yes he will'

'Azkaban. Azkaban. Azkaban. Azkaban.'

'Shut up!'

'Azkaban. Azkaban. Azkaban. Azkaban. Azkaban.'

'I said shut up!'

'Azkaban. Azkaban. Azkaban. Azkaban. Azkaban. Azkaban. Azkaban…'

"Shut up!"

"I don't believe I said anything Miss. Parkinson," I heard a voice say to me. My first thought was that the crazy voice in my head had finally taken corporal form. Then I began to think of how this corporal voice in my head sounded a lot more like Dumbledore then it did before. Then I looked up and realized it was Dumbledore. 'Oh, shit.'

"I..I…" I began stuttering madly.

He silenced me with a wave of his hand. "I believe it would be more comfortable to talk up in my office," he intoned as if I hadn't just told him quite rudely to shut up. The gargoyle moved out of our way after he looked at it. I soundlessly followed him up the steps.

Let me tell you those were the longest two minutes of my life. The stairs just kept coming and coming and then the door appeared and my blood turned colder then ice. He opened the door, motioned for me to take a seat, and did the strangest and most unbelievable thing.

He offered me a lemon drop.

I politely declined the citrus treat and began wringing my hands in my lap staring at them as if they were the most interesting things on Earth. "Miss Parkinson, I assume you wanted to discuss something," he prompted, startling me back to the real world where my hands weren't that interesting.

I took a deep breath. This was it. His reaction would decide my fate. I wondered if Azkaban was as bad as they said…

"My parents wish for me to join The Dark Lord over the break," I said. That was it? That was my long heartfelt confession? Come on Pansy! You could have done ten times better then that. Why think of all the…

"And what do you wish to do?" he asked me, once again disrupting my mental babble.

"I do not wish to join The Dark Lord over the break," I said. Then I mentally kicked myself realizing I had basically said the exact same thing only negative instead of positive. Oh this was going just splendidly.

"Tell me, Miss Parkinson. Do you trust me?" The headmaster asked.

Well did I? I contemplated this momentarily before comprehending that I didn't have a choice. "Yes," I said with a nod. Aren't I vocal tonight?

"Would you be willing to take a small dosage of Veritaserum to confirm what you have told me prior?" he asked again. I nodded again. My mouth was too dry to speak at the moment so my pitiful one-word answers were no more and I was now resorting to primitive ways of communication. And I seemed to be developing some sort of fatal nodding disorder on top of it all. Great, if all of this didn't kill I'd be the first to ever die from nodding.

He nodded ('Oh, great it's contagious,' I though gravely) sagely then opened one of his many desk drawers. He proceeded to pull out a small vial and dropper. "Open your mouth," he ordered politely. I did so and felt a slight burning sensation as the strong truth potion hit my tongue. Then my mind grew hazy and it seemed as if I was watching a movie of the headmaster and myself.

He questioned me about where my loyalties lied and whatnot and I seemed to be giving him the answers he wanted. Once he was done he said, "Finite Incantatem," and I was abruptly back in my body.

Dumbledore was smiling slightly now. "I am very happy to hear of your decision Miss. Parkinson. I now must contemplate the different options for you. I'll be in touch." I took that as my dismissal, mumbled a quick 'Thank you,' and left.

Over all I think it went quite well. Where as I didn't perform a speech that could get compassion from a rock I didn't ramble and repeat the same thing over and over. Yes, things could have been much worse; much worse indeed. But, I must keep in mind it is not over yet.

_A/n: I'm alive! Yep, well, hope this is up to standard. I am going to try for weekly updates now but not promising anything. I believe a few thank yous are in order._

_Thank you to: Mooncheese, rainbow fuzzlez, grindylow07, and slyswn28._

_An um, CRAZY, I believe I have to agree that are indeed insane and should seek professional help. (No offence meant.)_


	5. Twinkle

Disclaimer: Do I look like a wealthy author who owns Harry Potter to you? No, I didn't think so.

**Actual Happenings**

Diary Writing

Well this is what happens when you think things can't get any worse – they do. Only in my case, at the moment at least, it's not worse so much as weird. Now, I used to think it couldn't get anymore odd then confessing that you were being forced to become a death eater and being offered a lemon drop. But now, now I know I was very, very, wrong.

A few weeks after I talked with the Headmaster I received a letter during breakfast. It was from him telling me to meet him in his office after classes that day. I looked up at him and his eyes were doing that annoying twinkle thingy. I raised an eyebrow at him but he just smiled and turned to talk with Mcgonagall. Annoying bugger he is, they make a nice pair.

Anyhow, after classes I inconspicuously made my way to his office where the gargoyle jumped away and let me in. I eyed it suspiciously then climbed the stairs. Luckily enough it didn't seem to take half as long as the previous trek of them. At this thought I couldn't help but wonder if I was going to be making a habit of doing this. I hoped not, but if I had too… Well, we all do what we must.

Once I reached the door I knocked appropriately and waited for the Headmasters permission to enter. After this was granted I turned the wooden doorknob and entered the room. I barely caught myself before I turned pale as a sheet and let out a shriek. Snape was sitting in one of the chairs opposite Professor Dumbledore's desk. I, somehow, was able to stop from doing this and turned to the Headmaster instead.

"You asked me to come?" I prompted him wondering why in the nine hells he would invite me up here to talk at the same time as Snape. You know Snape, potions master, bat of the dungeons, oh, yeah, and not to mention suspected death eater! My surprise must have shown through my voice for the Headmaster responded accordingly.

"Take a seat Miss. Parkinson," he said his eyes twinkling again, "we have many things to discuss." He was obviously enjoying my discomfort and this made me want to rip those damn twinkling eyes out of his damn twinkling head. Why the nerve of…

"Miss. Parkinson I do believe the Headmaster said something to you," Snape snapped at me. That was when I realized I was still standing in the doorway. I fought a blush down, nodded brusquely, and took a seat on the edge of the chair, completely tense.

"So, now Miss Parkinson, I have come to a conclusion on what to do with your situation," Professor Dumbledore started. I stopped him.

"Professor, with all due respect, is this really the time to discuss this," I say a tad more harshly then I meant to. Okay, I'm not fooling anyway I was in total bitch mode.

"Be respectful of your elders," Snape snapped at me. It looked like it was taking his all not to hit me up the head. Then a new noise filled the room.

Laughter.

I looked up and saw that Professor Dumbledore was laughing! True horror shone in my eyes. Why was he laughing at a time like this?

He then calmed himself enough to say, "Dear me, my age really truly is showing now isn't it?" he asked then paused as if waiting for a reply. Well, I really wasn't in the proper state to offer a reply, as I was too busy doing my best goldfish impression.

"Shut your mouth Miss. Parkinson, you'll catch flies," Snape's sharp voice cut through the air breaking into my thoughts again. I immediately shut my mouth with an audible sound and turned back to the Headmaster as he started to speak again.

"Miss. Parkinson you've nothing to fear," he began, "Professor Snape here was a death eater, but now he is spying for our side." Snape looked quite uncomfortable with this information being divulged so readily but said nothing. And I couldn't even enjoy his uneasiness because I was too busy working myself into a state of shock.

"Now this brings me to my point," The Headmaster said with a smile, "Miss. Parkinson you will be joining Voldemorts ranks over Christmas break."

Well if I wasn't in a state of shock already…

"You see, we both feel, that is Professor Snape and I, that he will eventually be found out. When this time comes we will still need a way to get information about Voldemort. That is where you come in. You will join, and be a spy. Now, this is very dangerous work, are you willing to do so?" the Headmaster asked me.

Well, hmm, let me see, do I have a choice? I almost snorted when he stated this as a question instead of a warning. It was obvious I had to do this. But instead of snort at him I nodded acceptingly. This got an extravagant response.

Professor Dumbledore smiled widely and exclaimed, "Great! Well, I'll just schedule a time for the two of you to get together and work this out. You'll have to learn proper techniques and such. Hmmm, how about a week from now after classes? Yes? Wonderful you'll both meet here then and I'll leave you to it. Well, good evening to you both."

With that Professor Dumbledore got up opened a door and left, leaving Snape and me sitting there. I heard Snape sigh then say, "You heard him. I assume I will meet you here after lessons. Don't keep me waiting." Then he got up and swept out of the room doing the weird billowy thing with his robes. It looked kind of stupid up close actually, but I bit my tongue. This fact is rather obvious seeing as I am still alive.

After he left I got up and went back to the common room and then to bed in a stupor. No one noticed me of course, they never do.

A/n: Well there's another chapter. And look, it's on time too. Thank you to: grindylow07 (our favorite Gryffindors will be making an appearance eventually.), slyswn28, Mooncheese (glad you stuck with me. I also loved writing the Howler. So sad, so Voldie), and Icy-Queen.


	6. Learn

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything…_

**Actual Happenings**

Diary Writing

Well this is the last time I'll be writing as an innocent person. The next time I write I'll be a death eater. Throughout the month of December Professor Snape taught me as much as he can about spying and what to expect. Have to say that I have developed a respect for him. It's insane what he does; what I'll do.

They both, Professor Snape and Dumbledore, tell me that becoming a death eater over break isn't going to change what I am. They say it's not by choice and therefore it does not make me evil or whatnot. It's awfully nice of them to tell me that but I'm not some naïve little child. It is my choice to do this. It does change me. If I were truly righteous then I'd do anything to avoid it wouldn't I? Even die? But I feel as if I owe them something. This will be my payment for a debt I'm not quite sure how came to be.

It's a good thing I'm such a good student or else I'd be perpetually screwed right now. There was so much I was forced to learn over the past month and a bit. Some things I learnt I wish I never came to know. But it's too late now.

The first thing I learnt was probably one of the most important. Occlumency - the art of how to protect ones thoughts from someone skilled in Legilimency; someone like the Dark Lord. I mastered this quickly. Professor Snape says it's because I practiced a lot. I think it's because it was mostly stuff I already did. I asked if I could learn Legilimency and he told me I didn't need to know it yet. It hasn't been brought up again but it's something I'm going to remain hopeful about. I'd love to know what any given person was really thinking.

Then I had to learn basic spying techniques. Also, stuff I already knew. Stuff like sneaking around, lying, and manipulation. Fun, fun, eh? I was also told what to expect. At the initiation the Dark Lord will try to scare us, the DE's to be. He will try to intimidate us and then the ones who aren't killed will be marked.

The marking was going to hurt but it is crucial not to show any weakness at any time. Ever. I must not wince, flinch, whine, whimper, scream, or cry. The ones who are the worst at hiding their pain will be killed. The ones who are best at hiding their pain will live and the best of all will be 'in'.

After the marking he will call all of the living new DE's forward one by one. We will be questioned ruthlessly. You must answer correctly to every single question. Do not mess up. Lie, but don't get caught. Suck up, but make it look like you're not. During the questioning he will use Legilimency to verify your answers and search your head for anything he might find interesting. Show him what he wants to see, not what is true. If he gives a slight half smile, cocks his head to the side, and then nods you know you are 'in'. I need to be the one who is 'in'. That is my first goal. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm scared as hell.

All of this is an unknown and I hate not knowing. I will have to be on the ball and work well under the harshest pressure. Or I will die. This isn't a game. When you die you don't get up again. It's over. Kaput. Finished. Done. The End. Dead.

I look at Professor Snape and I now know why he is so cold, so distant, and so, so alone. And then I take in the fact that that is who I am to become. I think I always kind of knew I'd be alone for all time. But then again I'm becoming a death eater. I deserve to be alone. I deserve death.

No, I deserve to live through this. I don't deserve death's release. I know when you die you go to a better place. Because this, this is Hell. We are living in Hell. That's what I think anyway. We live in Hell and I am about to sign a contract with Satan himself.

Earlier tonight I had my last 'lesson' with Professor Snape. The next time I see him will be in the devil's lair. Our lesson tonight wasn't very eventful. I walked in and sat down across from him as I always do. After that he just sits there unmoving. Then he looks me in the eye and says something I wasn't expecting. "Run. Run," he tells me, " and don't look back."

To this I smiled sadly and shook my head. "My contract is signed," I responded, "and my fate is sealed." Then silence overtook us again lying heavily on our shoulders.

"You are resigned to your choice then?" he asked after a small eternity.

I nodded, "I am."

"Then may whatever high power there is' luck be with you," he said with an acquiescent look that mirrored my own.

"Thank you, sir," I replied politely. He then waved his hand in dismissal and I rose and left.

Thinking back over that now I find the whole of it highly disturbing. If even Professor Snape is advising me to flee then it truly is as bad as I fear isn't it?

How can it be that bad? How can anything be that bad?

Guess I'm going to find out.

**A/n: Thanks to slyswn28 and goodybad. Hope you all enjoy this chapter.**


	7. New

Disclaimer: Don't own don't sue.

**Actual Happenings**

Diary Writing

Darkness: my new friend; my new foe. I hid deep within its warm velvety folds. So do my enemies. It conceals, it protects, it traps, and it kills. But I think I'd rather be in this encompassing darkness then in plain view. It's safer for now.

I sit here in my dorm at Hogwarts. The holidays are over and class has started again. I'm skipping out today. I'm breaking my perfect attendance record. I just can't find it in me to care for such trivial things right now. Now that I am a death eater it's all different.

It was so intense, the initiation. Sweet Merlin, I didn't think I was going to get out alive. But, hey, look; here I am, alive but not so well. In fact, I kind of wish I didn't make it out alive.

On December eleventh at eleven at night my parents and I apparated to the Dark Lord's fortress. Once there I was put into a line with the other potential's. Next, without notice He strode into the room and stood in front of us. The adults behind us bowed lowly and murmured a greeting. I followed suit, bowing to the ground and murmuring, "My Lord."

I, fortunately, was among the few who did so and therefore wasn't blasted to pieces with dark magic. "Rise," He commanded and the sound of movement seemed deafening. Then he started greeting us all separately, but I wasn't paying attention to much else then keeping my mind clear, breathing steady, and face blank.

Soon he was in front of me. I bent my head slightly as a sign of respect and He acknowledged me, "Miss. Parkinson, a pleasure I'm sure, you have potential."

"Thank you my Lord, you are too kind," I replied in a respectful tone.

He nodded then asked me, "Are you ready to pledge yourself to me and be forever loyal?"

"I am my Lord," I responded struggling internally to keep my voice steady and mind from screaming my dissent.

"Your arm then Miss. Parkinson," He stated mildly. I glanced up and so a wicked gleam in his eyes but did not let my mind comprehend the fact as I offered my arm to him. He then muttered something, an incantation I did not catch, and fierce pain exploded through my arm where his wand was touching it. I then separated my mind from my body. I was elsewhere watching as this poor young girl was tortured so. As I did so I concentrated on the phrase, "I will be forever loyal."

Then, just as suddenly as it began it stopped and he had released me. I immediately slammed back to Earth and lowered myself into a gracious bow, deeper then the ones before, "My lord," I spoke softly. He then moved on to the next person.

After that was the questioning. I didn't allow myself to watch the others but instead focused straight ahead. Before I knew it, it was my turn. "Miss. Parkinson," He began.

"My Lord," I bowed once again as I said this.

"You have joined my ranks now. You need to prove yourself. How would you recommend I have you prove yourself?" He asked me.

"Whatever you wish me to do, my Lord, I shall do without question for I live to serve you and to do nothing else," I replied steadily.

"Then I wish for you to choose how to prove yourself," He countered smartly.

"My Lord is very kind for allowing me to choose how to prove myself worthy. I believe, considering the cause, I should do a task involving confirming my willingness to do whatever you bid. Possibly, a good area to do this in would involve harming those whom are not pure enough," I answered focusing on nothing but the words I had spoken.

"Are you saying you wish to torture the tainted to prove yourself?" He asked me.

I nodded my head, "If that is what you will me to do my Lord."

"So be it, bring out a prisoner!" He called into the room.

In the blink of an eye someone was brought out and shoved at my feet. "You may begin," the Dark Lord told me. Then he took his seat and I looked down at the muggle or wizard of un-pure blood. I pushed everything aside then and there, I had a part to play in this insane performance and there was no warm for mistake.

Then the man looked at me, fear shone wildly in his eyes. "Please, please," he begged, "have mercy! I have a wife and a new child. They need me. Please, please, show mercy."

"Mercy?" I asked. My voice was cold and indifferent it seemed foreign to me, as if it were someone else's. "How dare you ask me for mercy you filth," I continued glaring at the man. I then drew my wand and twirled it around in my fingers. "Cæcus," then said and a jet of violet light flew from my wand and hit the man in the eyes. He screamed as his eyesight dissolved away.

"There is your mercy," I hissed at the man once his scream died down, "now, if you are squeamish, the sight of your blood streaming down your body will not make you sick." The adults in the back of the warm chuckled lowly as if they were afraid if they laughed too loudly they would be punished. They probably would be but that was not the time to focus on that.

At this the man at my feet dissolved into tears. "You disgust me," I said to him. "You filthy thing. You scream and you cry. No dignity at all. But what did I expect. Well, I did expect you wouldn't act so weak in front of your wife and child. They look so scared, so disappointed. Tsk, tsk, tsk."

"They're here? Where? Let them go, please I beg of you," he pleaded wildly unaware of the fact that I was toying with his mind.

The next thing I did surprised even I. I laughed wildly, "Yes, yes, you should be begging me. That is your place you filth. You place is to beg then to die; just like your wife and child are dying now. My friends have slit their throats now you know. They are lying there bleeding unable to scream."

"No!" the man bellowed. For this I kicked him in the gut.

"Shut your mouth filth. I do not wish to here you speak, I only wish to hear you scream," I yelled. Next I pointed my wand at him and yelled, "Patiri!" Then the man screamed and screamed. I was unaware that a person could scream that long. I held the spell of suffering on him until the Dark Lord said, "Enough!"

I immediately released the spell, took a step back, and then bowed as I said, "As you desire my Lord."

He then hissed, "Avada Kedavra," at the man and the man became eerily still. After that he turned to me and I was unsure for a moment whether my life was over or not. He then surprised me by bringing his hands together in applause. Soon the whole room was filled with the sound. The Dark Lord then said, "A wonderful job my dear. You have potential indeed."

"My Lord you are much to kind to me," I replied as I risked a glance upwards. He nodded, gave a slight half smile, and cocked his head to the side.

"I do have one last question though Miss. Parkinson. Why was it you refrained from either killing or casting an Unforgivable?" He asked this of me immediately after telling me I was in.

"My Lord, I was not sure whether it was my place to or not," I offered hoping dearly that it was enough.

"Crucio." Was the last word I heard before my world dissolved into pain. I fell out of my bow and thrashed about on the floor as I screamed inside my head. I was determined not to scream. Not now, not ever.

Finally I was released from the curse and as gracefully as I could manage I got up and bowed once again, "My Lord," I gasped out.

"Stand Miss. Parkinson," He told me and I did so as he said, "You must be sure of yourself from now on. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, my Lord, I do," I replied, my breathe still coming in gasps.

"Good," was His final word to me that evening. He then moved on and finished questioning the others.

Once that was over He dismissed us and my parents came to my side, "You are going back to Hogwarts with Professor Snape now Pansy. Be good, we'll owl you." Then they left and I walked over to where Professor Snape was standing. He then walked out of the room and I had to jog slightly to keep up with him. Which, mind you, was no easy task considering I was finding it difficult to limp across a room never mind jog through a fortress.

When we were past the apparition wards he took me roughly by the shoulder and we whisked away to the Hogwarts gates. Not a word was said between us as he led me up to the Hospital Wing. There Pomfrey made a fuss and I had a right time convincing her all I needed was a post-Cruciatus potion. I finally managed this when the Headmaster came into the Wing.

"I trust you did fine?" he asked me and I nodded wearily. "Wonderful. Now off to bed with you."

I got up and made my way to the exit of the Hospital Wing feeling their eyes glued to me making sure I was capable of the journey by myself. "Just as rigid as you," I was able to hear Pomfrey say as I turned the corner round the door. I just made out the huff Professor Snape made as a response before I went out of hearing range.

I was able to make it into my room and collapse on my bed without anyone noticing me quite easily. There I lied staring at the ceiling. I didn't sleep. I haven't slept since that night almost a month ago.

You don't understand.

I tortured an innocent person.

I tortured them…

And I liked it.

**A/n: Hey, kind of disappointed with the extreme lack of reviews for the last chapter but here's the next one anyway. Hope you enjoy and review this time. Cheers! Also if anyone's interested in maybe beta-ing this I'd greatly appreciate it. Though, it would probably push the release date out a few days...**


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